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The
Crucifixion of Christ, American Style Copyright © 2005, Jerry Ghinelli. All Rights Reserved.
Vindication
for the faithful, rejoicing for the true believers, it was the second
coming of Christ—and he was coming to America. Not to bring Armageddon,
but to save mankind from Armageddon. Jesus
will make his appearance at the intersection of the streets appropriately
named "Liberty" and "Church" in New York City, located
at what has come to be known as "Ground Zero." Lower
Manhattan was virtually shut down as millions of the faithful and curious
flooded the streets to get a glimpse of the second coming of their lord
and savior. Even
the New York Stock Exchange suspended trading as the crowds swelled
from the Battery to midtown Manhattan. The joy and hope that Christ
was bringing was palpable—breathtaking, you might say—in the
near carnival-like atmosphere that was created in lower Manhattan. Songs
like "Amazing Grace" and "Jesus Christ Superstar"
played from loudspeakers where the Twin Towers had once stood. American
flags and crosses were everywhere. Martin
Luther King’s "dream" was now a reality, as black men
and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, young and
old, "red staters" and "blue staters," even atheists
and agnostics, all joined hands in love and friendship at this celebration
of the second coming of the Prince of Peace. The
media frenzy was unprecedented. It
was "all Jesus all the time": round-the-clock coverage as
priests, rabbis, and even an ayatollah appeared as expert commentators
to explain what this all meant and what we should think. Mel
Gibson, who produced the film "The Passion of the Christ,"
was interviewed on so many television stations the joke was he must
have a double. A female CNN reporter facetiously asked if the handsome
Gibson’s identical twin was married. The
night before, the new Pope, Benedict XVI, gave a rare interview with
Mike Wallace from the CBS News show, "60 Minutes." And for
good reason: This was to be "the greatest story ever told." On
vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush read a brief
statement, calling the second coming of Christ a "miracle of faith,"
and formally welcoming him to America. Bush ended his remarks by declaring,
"Let freedom reign and God bless America." Christ
had chosen to begin speaking at 8:46 a.m., the precise time when, on
September 11, 2001, the first plane smashed into the North Tower of
the World Trade Center. The
clock in the corner of the TV screen read "Countdown to Jesus"
as the minutes and seconds ticked away. It looked a little like we were
about to launch the Space Shuttle, one reporter noted. At
exactly 8:46 a.m., there was a sudden, immediate, "deafening"
silence, almost as if the world had ended. Then Jesus Christ appeared
alone before a massive bank of microphones, placed just two blocks north
of Ground Zero on a little street appropriately named "Trinity
Place." Looking
much as he did two thousand years ago, the longhaired, bearded Jesus
Christ, shabbily dressed in a robe and sandals, began to speak in a
soft voice. "Shalom,
salaam and may peace be with you," he offered. "I,
Jesus of Nazareth, use this sacred ground to symbolize where nearly
four years ago, at this exact moment, man’s inhumanity to man was
broadcast live for the entire world to bear witness to. "Those
who committed these barbaric acts thought of themselves as ‘believers,’
but only a believer in Satan could commit such a heinous act,"
said Christ. The
applause rang out like booming thunder, echoing off the skyscrapers
along the narrow streets of lower Manhattan, and down the section of
Broadway known as the Canyon of Heroes. Shouts of "hallelujah,
hallelujah" sent goose bumps up people’s arms. The faithful
were not crying; they were sobbing. Some people fainted. For
the viewers at home, in the corner of TV screens a small woman provided
sign language for the hearing impaired. Christ
continued. "But I come before America today, for she is the greatest
danger to world peace since Genesis. "To
suggest that God, our father, would ever be on the side of an America—or
any country, for that matter—which attacks poor, defenseless, impoverished
people out of revenge, fear, ignorance or greed, contradicts everything
I stand for today and, more importantly, died for two thousand years
ago." On
the streets and watching at home and at work, the American people were
in "shock and awe" at this blunt criticism from their lord
and savior. A
few cheered, but Christ’s condemnation of America’s response
to the evils of 9/11 and of their President, Bush—the born-again
man of faith, leader of the greatest country on earth—drew immediate
and harsh disapproval. Christian
conservatives went on the attack, charging that Christ was wrong to
criticize Bush while he was fighting the evil forces of Satan in his
divinely inspired worldwide crusade on the war on terror. Christ, as
one remarked, seemed to speak with a French accent, and sounded a lot
like a bleeding-heart liberal. Fearing that Christ’s message might undermine troop morale in Iraq and Afghanistan conservative Republicans launched an urgent campaign to—as they term it—"swift-boat" Christ. "Swift-boat"
is a new verb in the American lexicon, meaning "to smear in the
name of truth, justice and freedom." A
Conservative evangelical group from the Bible Belt was quickly formed,
named "The Twelve Veteran Disciples for Truth." Using
only their first names, Peter, Paul, James, John, Andy, Phil, Bart,
Matthew, Simon, Thad, Tom, along with their spokesman, Judas, appeared
together on Fox News to, as they stated, "set the record straight." They
all claimed to have ancestors who served with Jesus back in the Middle
East, and stated that his message of "love your enemies" was
outdated and dangerous in these troubled times, when terrorists and
evildoers lurk around every corner and can strike at any moment. "George
W. Bush is a strong and sincere proponent of Christianity, a strong
advocate of using military force to attack—even preemptively attack—our
enemies. Notice that I say ‘attack,’ not ‘love’,"
said Judas. Vice
President Dick Cheney, appearing with former Georgia Senator Zell Miller
before a uniformed military audience in Texas, suggested that Jesus’
"love your enemy" message was a thinly veiled liberal euphemism
that meant Christ wants to cut the defense budget and reduce the federal
funding for the body armor badly needed by our brave young men and women
in harm’s way. "Let
he without sin cast the first spitball," Cheney mocked, to a standing
ovation from the troops. The
American media, which loves simple soundbites to always entertain and
sometimes inform, played Cheney's clever spitball line over and over
ad nauseum. One
enterprising young Republican trademarked the term "Let he without
sin cast the first spitball," embroidered it on t-shirts and is
selling them on eBay, along with a scowling "have you hugged a
terrorist today" teddy bear wearing a little turban. On
his daily radio program, Rush Limbaugh—the lord of the airwaves,
the voice of the people, his excellency in broadcasting, revered by
millions of "ditto heads" —asked whether the wounds Jesus
suffered during his crucifixion had possibly been exaggerated. According
to Limbaugh: "Thorns can only cause flesh wounds, and nails in
your hands and feet are not lethal." "Nails,"
Limbaugh went on with a chuckle, "should be an occupational hazard
for Jesus Christ, the carpenter from Nazareth. What’s next: Christ
building houses for the poor, along with the second most annoying liberal,
that other bleeding heart carpenter, Jimmy Carter?" Limbaugh mocked. Immediately
after the show, on sale at http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/ were steel-toed
work books adorned with the American flag, a pair of "thorn-resistant"
"holy" garden gloves (minus the holes), and a box of Band
Aids with tiny red crosses should the gloves fail. On
his program, radical preacher and firebrand television evangelist Pat
Robertson referred to Christ’s "meek shall inherit the earth"
remark as "communist infiltration and extremism." He
suggests, like Limbaugh, that the liberal Christ is soft on the freedom-hating
Islamic evildoers who detest our values. Robertson
went so far as to say that Christ was dangerous, and posed the question
"perhaps someone needs to take him out before he brings on Armageddon?" President
Bush, speaking to new Marine recruits at Paris Island, praised the Lord
Jesus and thanked him for his sacrifices. The President, who speaks
to God regularly, insisted, however, that God also put him on this earth
during these dangerous times to do his will. "Christ
is my brother," Bush emphasized, "and brothers often have
differences of opinion, that’s all. Christ believes in turning
the other cheek; I prefer an eye for and eye. Or, as we say in Texas—dead
or alive," he said to applause from his troops. "Semper
fi," shouted Bush. Bush
declared, "Jesus has never been elected to any public office. I
come to work every day as your Commander–in-Chief with war on my
mind. Christ speaks of peace this and love that… all kinds of dangerous
messages in the post 9/11 world, when we have been attacked by the evildoers
who can’t stand our freedoms," Bush said, to a standing ovation. Bush
ended his speech by reciting his own version of "The Lord’s
Prayer": Our
Father, Who art in heaven, The
Democrats, eager to dispel rumors that they will forever be irrelevant,
have got into the act." Fearing
that the compassionate Christ might be pro-life, they have set out to—as
they term it—"Bork" Jesus. Like
"swift-boat," "Bork," taken from the name of the
rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork, has also become a verb meaning
"to publicly destroy the character of those opposed to the Democrats’
single issue of abortion." Teams
of lawyers paid for by the Democrats, many of whom, opponents allege,
have never read a Bible, sworn on a Bible or seen a Bible except in
a cheap motel room, are now scouring the Bible to determine whether
Jesus, two thousand years ago, may have had an inappropriate relationship
with Mary Magdalene and engaged in a sexual relationship with a subordinate. Former
President Bill Clinton advising the Democrats, as an expert in this
area, stated emphatically, "Jesus did not have sexual relations
with that woman!" With
Clinton's declaration, Democrats ended the investigation and went back
to their fund raising. The
editorial page of the Wall Street Journal stepped in and was sharply
critical of Christ’s message that "the love of money is the
root of all evil and that it would be easier for a camel to fit through
the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." Greed,
according to the Wall Street Journal is good; greed works; greed is
what made America great. They
added that "to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s" suggests
that Christ is in favor of raising taxes to fund liberal social programs
and increase handouts to welfare mothers. Jewish
groups, fearing that Christ—who was, after all, born in Bethlehem,
Palestine—would be sympathetic to Palestinian suffering and thus
would oppose increased military aid for Israel, labeled him anti-Semitic. When
reminded Christ was born Jewish they amended the label to "self-hating
Jew." Catholics,
fearing that this time around not only would Christ clear the temples,
but the churches too, were quietly distancing themselves from their
lord and savior. With skyrocketing insurance premiums caused by the
lawsuits stemming from the church’s sex scandal, Saturday Night
Bingo is needed now more than ever and must not be interrupted. President Bush’s advisor and brain, Karl Rove, has denied reports suggesting he was the source of the leak that begs the question "when did Christ stop beating his gay wife." A
defensive Rove vehemently denied he was the source and offered proof
by reminding everyone that the Bush administration is clear in its opposition
to gay marriage. Sensing
blood in the water, the Republican spin machine revved up to full throttle. Ann
Coulter, the "angelic"-looking "Republican Party Doll,"
appeared on The O'Reilly Factor in a pure white dress with a Victorian
collar, her Rapunzel-like blond hair gleaming; under the set lighting.
O'Reilly, complimented Coulter saying she reminded him tonight of "Glinda,
the good witch of the north in the Wizard of Oz." However, some
critics suggested she sounded more like the "wicked witch of the
west" when she said: "...with his sandals, long hair and beard,
Christ bore an eerie resemblance to Osama bin Laden." O'Reilly
said nothing but nodded his approval. But
the coup de grace for Jesus was when Judas, the spokesman for "The
Twelve Veteran Disciples for Truth," approached the Justice Department
with evidence that the Middle Eastern–born, bearded Christ, who
speaks Arabic and is in the US illegally, is a card-carrying member
of Al Qaeda. Judas
charged that Christ was not the son of God, but rather the son of Allah. With
silver selling at about $6.80 an ounce (down 9.5 cents), thirty pieces
of silver—about $200—just doesn’t buy what it did two
thousand years ago. So Judas opted for "fifteen minutes of fame"
instead. He
is scheduled to appear on "Oprah" tomorrow, "Larry King
Live" at night and "Good Morning America" the next day. President
Bush has invited him to his State of the Union address in January, where
he will sit beside Laura Bush. All
suggestions regarding book deals and movie rights are referred to Judas’s
agent at International Creative Management. With
Christ-approval numbers now in the single digits, and with compelling
evidence from the "disciples for truth" that Christ is a member
of Al Qaeda, he was arrested under the provisions of the US Patriot
Act and whisked off to an undisclosed location. The
indigent, penniless Christ was represented in court by a public defender
who appealed Christ’s incarceration all the way up to the US Supreme
court. Justice
Antonin Scalia, who is of Italian ancestry tracing back to ancient Rome,
when speaking for the court refused to hear the appeal. In a tersely
worded opinion for a unanimous court, he stated: "We wash our hands
of this case." The
High Court, however, then overturned the twenty-five-year sentence of
convicted WorldCom (MCI) thief Bernard "Bernie" Ebbers, declaring
that his rights under the 8th Amendment, prohibiting cruel and unusual
punishment, were violated. Ebbers
was immediately released back into society and received a hero’s
welcome in his hometown. Signs of "Give us Bernard" appeared
everywhere. Outside
the court at Christ’s hearing, one lone supporter of Christ held
up a sign that read "crucify the sinless, and set the guilty free."
He was immediately arrested. Accompanied
by his legal aid lawyer, Christ was returned to the courtroom from his
undisclosed location, along with two other prisoners. Dressed
in an orange jumpsuit and shackled at the wrists and ankles, he looked
gaunt and sad at his circumstances. His
public defender angrily referred to this proceeding as a "high-tech
crucifixion." The public defender was immediately cited for contempt
of court by the judge. "You
judge, you will be judged," Christ’s lawyer reminded him. Christ
never spoke during the brief hearing, except when the judge asked him
if he had any final words before sentencing. "Yes, your honor.
Father, forgive them, again, for they know not what they do." Amen.
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